"My Spring Awakening"
By Kathy Cashin
Printed with permission: March 31, 2009
I have always struggled with change. I prefer sticking to my daily schedule and not drifting too far from my comfort zone. For years I have been beating myself up, struggling with issues ranging from low self-esteem to weight gain to lack of motivation and willpower. My mother always told me I was my own worst enemy. My issues were all very sensitive and delicate; therefore, I preferred not to address them. And everyone was privy to them and kind enough not to bring them up; especially my weight issues. These negative thoughts seemed to grow on my mind, but I got in the habit of dismissing them (similar to the "elephant in the room"). These thoughts would come back to haunt me. My depression was under control but it really bothered me that I lacked the motivation or desire to do anything about making any drastic changes. I simply didn't have the energy.
On a Sunday morning in the middle of March 2008, I was invited to brunch with my brother and his wife. We were having a nice meal where out of nowhere I began pouring my heart and soul out in detail about my weight, lack of motivation and energy. They were as surprised as I was that I was addressing these issues. Amidst my tears and my brother nervously asking me if I wanted more coffee, I discussed everything from gastric bypass surgery to my lack of interest about life in general. My brother and sister-in-law proved to be a great sounding board as well as providing a great listening ear, as they have done many times. They offered their comments, still rather baffled by me initiating the conversation, and so was I. Those two hours were a couple of the most therapeutic and freeing conversations I've had in a very long time. I hadn't planned on opening my heart in detail. It just happened and couldn't have happened amidst two more caring people.
Three days later, I approached my counselor at Touchstone Assisted Living and told her about my "light bulb moment". She and I have a long history together and she seems to know me at times more than I know myself. She was excited to see this new spark of interest in me; especially because I felt the "old Kathy" was returning; something I had yearned for over a very long time. The following weekend I attended church across the street; the first time I had attended in six years. Easter Sunday, the following weekend, seemed to take on a whole new meaning. Suffice it to say, I refer to this experience and chain of events as my "Spring Awakening".
That was 10 months ago. I began a healthy regime involving joining a medical facility which specializes in diet and endocrinology. I see a dietician, as well as a physician every couple of months with my focus on eating healthy with a strong and conscious emphasis on portion control. I am managing my Type II Diabetes much better and as a result my diabetic medications have been reduced, with some having been eliminated completely. I enjoy swimming twice a week and participate in walking groups that Touchstone offers, as well as taking frequent walks in the neighborhood on my own. I am in the process of enrolling in a cardio/exercise program and have lost over 30 pounds in the past several months. Unfortunately, most of that weight came off in the first few months, but I have seldom been discouraged. I have a lot more weight to lose but try not to get too overwhelmed with the process. My sister helps me stay focused. I hesitate getting too friendly with the scale, as weighing myself once a month is enough. I feel much better physically and mentally. More importantly, I feel this lifestyle change is simply not a passing fancy, but rather a way of life on this never-ending journey. I learned that deprivation leads to overindulging so I still treat myself. I try to live by the 90/10 rule (90% of the time I try to eat healthy and exercise, and 10% of the time I tend to indulge). Eating a 100-calorie package of snacks causes me far less guilt than devouring an entire bag of chips. One of my biggest challenges is keeping the infamous salt shaker more than an arm's length away. I've realized more than ever that this is a welcome change and exactly one I needed.
I am delighted with all the activities that Touchstone has to offer. We have all realized how quickly the director of Touchstone Assisted Living met his goal of offering us activities 6 out of 7 days (at times it seems to be 24/7). I also enjoy collecting inspirational sayings and quotes for my prose and poetry book, as well as journaling and writing - something I have done for years. By attending church on a regular basis and through prayer and meditation, I realize I cope better with life's difficulties. This enhanced spirituality has improved my mind and enhanced my mindfulness skills. I also have a greater appreciation for my life and the people in it, as well as reflecting on special memories of important people in my life that have died; most significantly my nephew who died several years ago. He has left a significant impact on all of the lives he touched, and continually lives in our hearts.
Without a doubt, the best blessing by far has been my support system. The Touchstone staff, especially my counselor, is extremely supportive and I always look forward to meeting with her. It is also of utmost importance for me to have people in my life outside of the mental health system. My family has been my greatest support system. Their love and support have been my greatest blessing. Whether it's my brother and sister and their spouses that drive me from one end of the cities to the other to pick me up, my parents and siblings in the southeast part of the state, my sister in South Dakota, or my brother in San Francisco; family members have always been there for me. And they have been since the onset of my depression, which was nearly 40 years ago. While we have not always seen eye to eye on various issues (and how could we?) I've always known they were there for me. For this and for them, I am and will eternally be grateful.
Family members have truly been touchstones in my life. It is very heartwarming and humbling to read the Touchstone newsletter every few months and see the donations they have made in my honor.
Touchstone Mental Health's mission is to inspire hope, healing and well-being. In reflecting on this past year, I realize more than ever the significance of a touchstone in a person's life. I sincerely thank the Touchstone staff for all of their caring and support, but more importantly for making me feel that Touchstone Assisted Living is my home.
Happy springtime! May you be as blessed as I have been and I wish for you your own "Spring Awakening".
Kathy Cashin
